I did not accomplish any of my goals this week.
I mostly had one major goal. I was to submit the journal article that i'm working on. But I did not. I did make progress, but not nearly as much as I was hoping. I worked on the end of my body paragraph section and was on to editing my conclusion where I realized that It needed a full rewrite. Then, in an effort to help me improve my conclusion, I reread my “theory/lit review” section and realized that also needed changes (albeit not as much as my conclusion). I have been reediting this paper for so long, and I did tell myself that I wasn't going to do another reedit, but I really think that I need to with these two sections. But now I am even more set back than I already was.
My original plan for this paper that I had set with my advisor was to be done by the end of October. Now I can only hope I'll be done by the beginning of March.
This paper isn't even in my dissertation. Its on a similar theme, and the research I've been working on will be used, but the argument isn't the same as my dissertation. So in one sense I have barely even started my dissertation.
I also needed to have finished some edits to a side project paper I've been working on a for a while with two people that I have been putting off. I decided that I was going to maybe take a break from working on this paper to attend to that where I can hopefully finish those edits to them by the end of the week. Then once they give me the 'okay' i'll put that one together to submit to a journal.
The best way to sum up how I feel is demoralized. I don't feel confident as a writer and researcher, I don't have the energy to do much, I feel very hopeless about my future and the future of the world. What if I put in all of this work for something that doesn't end up being that good, only for me to not be able to get any job that doesn't make me miserable, regardless of if its in academia or not? What if I am still struggling this much by the end of next year and I'm not even close to graduating? I thought it'd take me 5 years to graduate and finish my dissertation. But it will probably take me 7. I'm in my fifth year now.
One of the things that feels hard that adds to my anxiety is that I have a looming longterm deadline (compounded with the pressure that I need to get this done soon since my funding will run out by Summer of 2027...which, as i said, will absolutely not happen), without very much immediate pay off. Instead they are self imposed deadlines that I rarely meet. I feel an urgency to work and write and research 24/7. There's no on or off time. Instead, I could always be working and I probably should if I want any chance at graduating. It leads me to be in a place that even when I'm not actively writing and researching (which is the majority of the time), i'm either thinking about it, or thinking about how I should be thinking about it. That feeling, compounded with the general gloom I feel towards the world right now, makes me very exhausted. It doesn't make me feel galvanized to work on much else, to invest in socializing, or really much else. Instead, its just this. Which maybe would be worth it if I felt good at what I did, or if I was seeing obvious improvements in writing and research. But I do not.
The urgency leads me to use generative AI. Which I will explicitly state, I am morally opposed to. But my anxiety will tell me thats whats going to help me make this process quicker. Instead, I actually think it makes me slower. I have been writing about that experience and hope to post about it soon.
I also hope to write out again what I struggle with regarding writing. I believe I already wrote something like this but it got lost in the ether. So I will try again.
My ideal goals for next week (ranked in how doable it will be for me)
- Finish a rough draft short abstract detailing my next chapter to read to my advisor on thursday
- write blog post friday
- send edits for secondary paper
- spend 2 hrs starting to work on my SAA job position responsibilities (contingent on if documents are sent to me)
- Revise theory section of main journal article
My more meager goals for next week:
- finish edits for three sections of secondary paper
- write blog post Friday but don't worry if its written well or if its short
- Spend an hour prepping before Advisor meeting
- 1 hr on main journal article
- 1 hr on SAA responsibilities (again, contingent on if documents are sent)